Ladies, I don’t know about you but I am freaking sick of feeling guilty all the time. Actually, I probably do know about you since I primarily work with women just like you and me. This guilt thing is an epidemic in our country and I want to declare war on it.
Why are we doing this to ourselves? What function could this possibly serve in our lives? Here are a few ideas why we keep ourselves guilt laden and small.
- We are all busy trying to do way too damn much. When we can’t do 3 million things at once we feel like a failure (after all, shouldn’t all this technology leave me with buckets of time saved?).
- We had some people shame us into thinking we ARE guilty of something that simply isn’t true (hello parents and religious institutions).
- We’ve got some wacky belief systems about not ever being able to choose ourselves over someone else. That we are going to somehow irreparably traumatize our neighbor if we choose to nurture our need for quiet instead of go to her 3rd baby shower.
Guilt is a choice, my dear friends. Guilt. Is. A Choice. If you truly owe someone an apology for being rude, by all means follow through on that. Change your behavior so it doesn’t happen again. But if you experience chronic guilt and shame and continue to perpetuate it, that is on you.
Harsh? Maybe a little. True? Absolutely. Here are some ways you can start defeating the guilt, shame, and unworthiness right now.
Defeat Guilt Step #1:
Stop rescuing everyone around you from their feelings. Everyone’s feelings are their own responsibility. Your job is to be kind and honest, but it is not to handle everyone’s emotional stuff all the time. If you’re feeling guilty that your daughter is in 2 sports but not the 3rd one she wanted, she will be ok. She will cope. If your boss emailed you at 11:30pm last night and feels irritated not to hear back from you until 8am this morning, he will be ok. He will cope. If this sounds a lot like a boundary, that’s because it is one.
Defeat Guilt Step #2:
Do the work to let go of the old messages that brought you here. If a parent, teacher, partner, boss, or clergy made you feel like an awful person, it’s ok to question their assessment of you. While I certainly hope you were surrounded by caring and responsible caregivers, the reality is many of us were not. Question them. Question their judgment. Call bullshit when necessary. Your opinion of you is what counts. Not theirs.
Defeat Guilt Step #3:
Pay attention to the things you allow yourself to think about. Do you find your mind wandering to past mistakes? Do you obsess about your imperfections or all the “shoulds” in your life? Pay attention, and if it helps, write them down. Challenge them as often as possible. For example: “I should have put in more time at work this week.” Is this true? Who says? What if it’s not true? If there is room for improvement in your behavior, how can you use love to get you there?
Defeat Guilt Step #4:
The primarily role of guilt in our lives is to examine our behavior to see if we need to right a wrong. For example, the other day I was driving my car about to make a right turn. A car sped past me on the right, and I was so mad I honked and yelled (not my finest moment, I admit). I later realized I was actually in the wrong lane and they had to drive past me so I didn’t hit them! While I have no way of knowing who that person was, I can modify my behavior moving forward by being more patient when I think the fault isn’t mine.
If you examine your behavior and find you have been kind, honest, and respectful, your guilt can be dismissed. It is not necessary for you to hang on to it. The guilt served as a check and its job is now done. You’re free to go live your life!
I hope this has encouraged you to take a deeper look at the role of guilt and shame in your life and gives you permission to do life a little differently. As always, I’m here for you if you’d like to go into more depth, please reach out to me at sally@catalystmentalwellness.com.
As always, take this as education and inspiration, rather than therapy or medical advice.
If you’ve forgotten, you’re one of a kind. I see you for who you are in your soul, and I believe your ability to do great things.
Sally
